A train ride

Casey was sitting on her knees on a train bench, looking at the trees, poles and houses flying by. The train seemed to go so fast and quiet at the same time, it felt unreal. She was going to see her dad, five hours away, now four and a half. Casey felt how the distance between them shortens every second, every moment, she felt she was moving like an arrow that is about to hit a target - jump into her dad’s arms.

He must be waiting for her. He already started waiting. He is walking back and forth in his house. No, there is not enough space in the house. He is out on the street and walking back and forth on his block. No, he doesn’t like walking in the same places. He probably just walks around, not even thinking where he is going. He is thinking about her, Casey, flying towards him in the train like an arrow that is about to hit a target - throw herself into his arms.

She vividly remembered the feeling of him holding her in his arms. His smell and warmth. And his strength. Where was it? Ah, the zoo! A gorilla had a nasty look and made a face to Casey, and the girl started crying. And her dad picked her up and held her in his arms, her face in his neck. That was so long ago, and she still remembered it as if it just happened!

Why is he so far? It’s not fair. Why do other children get to have their parents next to them? All the time! Whenever they feel like sticking their head into their parent’s belly they can do it! It seems like such a luxury, it’s almost too much. Casey thought that these kids may not even appreciate what they have, may not even think of sticking their heads into their dad’s bellies! That’s just not fair…

She looked under her seat, the colorful paper bag was there with her present. Casey touched the bag, to make sure the present was inside, intact. Casey worked so much on it. She almost burned her finger with the wood burning device. Dad will be so proud! He will hang it on the wall above his bed and will look at it every time before going to bed and after waking up. And he will be proud every time he looks at it!

His place is probably a mess again… Every time she comes he says he cleaned it up, but Casey can tell that he has no idea how to clean the house. He just puts his things away into piles along the corners of the rooms, so the middle looks empty. Is this how you clean the house?! Casey will scold him again and together they will do the real cleaning. Dusting the shelves, sweeping the floors, washing the fridge… She misses him soooo much!

Four hours fifteen minutes left. Casey thought of reading a book, but then the book will take her away from thinking about her dad. She didn’t want it. She wanted to stay with him, to think of him, to remember and imagine their time together.

And as always, she remembered THAT time. She named it “the black hole” - when he told her he is leaving and will be living far away. Casey’s stomach became the black hole, and it sucked everything in - her joy, her liveliness, her wonder. It sucked everything in, and nothing was left of her. Casey hated remembering the black hole, but every time this memory showed up. It took a long time to patch the black hole, and gradually it got smaller and smaller and Casey rediscovered her joy and her wonder. It is still there, the little black hole, slowly sucking Casey in, like a clogged sink, but too slowly to really feel it.

A little more than three hours left! Casey got out her book, looking for a page where she stopped. Here it is. Casey started reading. Words, sentences, pages, but somehow none of it makes sense. Her mind is not there. Can’t focus. She sat comfortably and continued looking in the window, her chin on her hands.

The pines were beautiful. So luscious green, so big and welcoming. Casey remembered the time they went for an overnight hike. Her dad had a big backpack with a tent, stove, food. Casey also carried a backpack, with her clothes. She felt so grown up, so confident. She felt like she was her dad’s partner. They walked for hours, Casey’s feet hurt so much but the girl didn’t whine a bit. She was a different person on that hike. She could do anything, tolerate any pain. Moreover, she even tried to take care of her dad! She kept asking him if he was tired, if he had blisters, if he wanted to put anything out of his backpack into hers. That was a wonderful time. And then they put out a tent and made a fire. And he would tell her stories from his childhood. How he would get into a fight with a big boy over a girl and broke his wrist, and how police once came into the house because they thought somebody called 911 and dad had a small knife and he got scared that they will find his knife and put him in prison. And how he and his friends would go to a construction site, they would climb over the fence and go up the stairs and walk on top of a five story building, right on the edge. His mom would kill him if she found out. And when the morning came and Casey got out of the tent everything was so wet, covered in dew! The dew was everywhere - on a tent, on the grass, on their backpacks that they left outside…

Three hours twenty minutes… It seemed that the faster the train went the slower the time passed. Casey started thinking about it. It’s like a conundrum: if a train goes infinitely fast, the time will pass infinitely slow, so will it really be faster to reach dad? Or it would still seem like it takes forever? Or, what if the train goes really really slow but then the time passes really fast and all those extra hours it would take the train to reach the destination wouldn’t seem like a big deal? Would that help to reach dad faster?

Maybe she should take a nap. A nap is the best thing to skip time. Assuming you can fall asleep. Casey closed her eyes. Duh. She is too excited to even think of sleeping. Not going to work, for sure…

Her stomach rumbled. Casey remembered that she was hungry. There was a sandwich in her backpack. Casey got out her sandwich (she made it herself) and a bottle of apple juice. The sandwich tasted really good. Casey praised herself for making such a good sandwich. She really became quite a cook lately. Oh… She can cook dad dinner!!! She never cooked him dinner before! They would go to a grocery store. Dad would push a cart and Casey would pick whatever she needs for the dinner, vegetables, grains, maybe meat, and throw them in the cart. And then they come home and Casey would tell dad to cut vegetables and how to cut them. And then she would ask for a big pot and salt and spices and would make the best vegetable soup and the best stew. And she would serve the plates with a spoon and two forks on the right of the plates. And maybe even light a candle, if dad has one. That would be very special. He would be so amazed and thrilled! But what exactly should she cook? Casey lost deep in thought, considering all the options and debating whether to be conservative and cook something she knows how to cook well, like vegetable stew, or create something new and risky?

Two and a half hours, that’s like half way! This ride is soooo long…. Sooo looooong. Casey yawned and put her head on her hands. Now she was ready for a nap…

… She woke up when the train was entering the railroad station. She was here! Casey put on her backpack, didn’t forget the present under the seat. The train slowed down to a full stop. People started getting out. Casey rushed to the doors.

She got out to the platform, looking around, searching for him, wanting to find him right away, and yet, wanting not to find him right away, and be with this exhilarating anticipation for a little longer.

And then she heard his excited voice. “Here is my big girl!” He was there, a few yards away, his hands wide open.

“Daddy!” The arrow hit the target, and Casey flew into his arms, into his belly, into his warmth and his strength, into his smell…